i do love this pictures no matter what you will ever say to me
Hello this site is for a very special girl named Beth Joy. I made it while we were on our break so that when, hopefully, we get back together I can surprise her with this little journal dedicated to her.
If you are reading it you most likely found it all on your own being that I gave this address to no one. Enjoy and I hope what you read helps you in it's own little way.
So Beth Joy, this page is just for you. Before you read any further know that I love you with everything I am and that I do want to be your Man of God.
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letters of love in a time without
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Dear Beth Joy,
I guess I am cheating again. I really miss you these past two days. I talked with your Mom and Dad as you probably know and they gave me some good advice. I know I said we wouldn't talk for just a little bit, but I think I should take their advice and maybe we shouldn't talk even longer. I say this not because I don't love you, though I know that sort of doesn't matter anymore. But I say this because I do love you. I want you to be happy as I have said time and time again. I want you to be alright with everything and who you are becoming. I think I understand now after talking to them why you said you did love me but didn't know if you wanted to be with me. I mean that saying I do understand but I don't think I do at the same time. Anyway, I think that I shouldn't talk to you for awhile because with all this talk and what not I feel as though you couldn't really figure all of that out. Same as I think I haven't been able to be. You see I think that in our minds we were including each other in decisions that we really shouldn't have, at least not right now. Like how I didn't want you to go away because I was here. The fact that I didn't want you to make that decision made me think about what decisions I have made that haven't let me do what I think I should've, could've, and some what wanted to do. That's what I want you to be able to do. To make those decisions without thinking about me.
I must admit I am dead scared of decisions such as waiting to long and then me finding you and you being with some one else. But I have to know at the same time that that would be alright. That is another reason why I must not see you for awhile. You see I want with all I am to be with you, that is at least my problem, I need to learn and do what God wants and wills for my life in everything then the rest will be added unto me as he promises...and as your step-dad warned us of before...I haven't been seeing that. I told you that I think that God gave me the post office job so that I could provide for you. I do think he did do that. But I also think that since I started thinking like that and basing a lot of stuff on you that maybe that's why he took it away. I took his gift for granted so to speak and didn't work at it at all the way he wanted me too. Maybe that's why he took you away. So in these next weeks maybe I shouldn't be considering what you meant, or why it wouldn't work...but what God meant, and why he allowed it. I would like to think that this is all one big thing that God will build me up from and then I can just return as this great man of God, as I said I wanted to be for you in past letters, and just sweep you off your feet and we can be that team. But maybe that isn't what God wants anymore maybe I will just be build up and we aren't going to get back together. Maybe he doesn't think we can handle being with some one right now in our current states. We certainly didn't show him otherwise, consistently at least, with us. He's been more then fair and he's given me so much that in a way it's fair for him to take it away when I lost focus. You see, it's like I said before. Life isn't fair...but God is the one who makes it that way. What I did not think of at that time though, is doesn't that make it fair? He KNOWS exactly what is best for us. He knows exactly what we need. And he will give that too us as he promised, but it is our responsibility to remain focused on him. I think I was starting to let that slide again. I know I loved you, but maybe that in itself is what was keeping me from you. We didn't keep God first, centered, and concentrated on at all times even in our friendship while on the break. If anything that's what we should've been doing together or not, that is why he gives us friends. I must love God wholly first just as we talked about before we even courted. I messed up Beth Joy. Boy did I mess up. There were plenty of times where we should've broken down and prayed with one another, sought God together, yet neither of us lifted a consistent finger to do so. We were so pre-occupied with everything else that we didn't do what was most important for us to do even as close friends. I say that meaning that even if we weren't in a relationship per say we should've been fighting the spiritual battle with one another. I know there is plenty that goes on with you, and I know that you do seek God. All I am stating is we did not make that constant push to do so together. I wish I did, together eventually or not. It also made me re-think about my individual battle. If I had been living my individual life as I completely should of then surely the fruit of that should've spilt over into any and all of my friendships, and I can't say it always has.
Remember you said to me that you don't think I was ever happy working for the Post Office. I think you were right. But not in a way as liking my job. I mean it as in I think that I didn't do what I was supposed to do with that job so I couldn't experience what God really gave me. You see, I really do believe that he gave me that job so I could take care of you and be with you. But I failed to do that. How? You see he gave me that job and I didn't have to worry about bills, about anything that normally bothered me financially...yet what did I do. I sat back, relaxed. Sure I talked to you, and all of that. But I didn't take that time to help you spiritually. I didn't even try! I took for granted again the gift of God to my life and watched as it just got washed away. Oh poor me I thought. I think that is more of a recipe for disaster in a relationship then being dirt poor. You see I missed the mark because I got caught up in the fact that I was ok financially and my normal worries and grievances were all gone for the time being. Something I was never used too as you know. I think I could've done a much better job though if I wasn't only grateful to God for that job, but if I completely used that time for him and those benefits for his work with you or with strangers or even with friends.
Who was I to think that I was ready. I was the man with bucks, with dreams, and with God. Yet I lacked the leadership that a man should have. I think that's what makes you feel not right to be with me, and I think that is why I am accepting it now. The sad part is that it didn't even occur to me until it was too late. Until all hope was lost in a sense. I mean God works in mysterious ways but the human heart is so deceiving that to believe if I do it right now we'll get back together would just keep me in the same spot. That's why I have to totally let go. It should've have taken me this long, nor you this long to figure out what was wrong. Sure we were great together, we made each other happy, we did all this stuff that was just awesome and unforgettable. Your eyes, your face, everything just made me feel complete. That was our falling. We both lost sight of God, we both failed to heed multiple warnings. It makes me think of when we were on the verge of falling into lust, does it take something like that to make me disgusted with myself...that's sad. Sin is sin, just as not following God completely is just as pointless as not following him at all. I read this web site that I made for you when we first went on a break and I remember knowing in the back of my head it would all work out, I don't think I was wrong...in fact I think if we both did what we really felt we needed to do then it would've. I hope you felt that we needed to do what I'm saying. The fact is we have been an all talk relationship. I have failed to love you as Christ has loved the Church. I do love you, but I fall short. I think it is impossible for a human alone to love like that, but with Christ in their life, I do not. See to make it more specific I should point out that Christ in our lives in not the only needed thing but Christ in our relationship is. We didn't have that. I challenge you now with what I challenge myself with. I feel it may very well be, or not be, the reasons of all my confusion in everything. Is Christ really all the way in my life, do I trust him with everything I have, do I trust him with everything I want, do I trust him with everything I need? I think that I just thought I did but I didn't...in fact I find that I am only a few inches away from where I started when I first got saved and was working with you at subway.
I thought I trusted God with my feelings, yet if I truly did then why did I
always worry
I thought I trusted God with my family, yet if I did why did I always worry
about Des, Mark, everyone
I thought I trusted God with US, yet if I did why did I not be patient and stay
fixed only on him
I thought I trusted God with me, yet I find after us completely breaking off I
feel soooo alone in a way
All these things are normal to feel...but how much did I feel them. I would constantly worry about all these things, when instead I should've been just comfortable knowing God was in control. I know it is ok to worry, but I think I devoted more time to worrying then trusting and that's where I progressed in nothing. They say idle hands are the work of the devil and I think they are. Image how much more I could've helped you and you could've helped me if we had been seeking God continuously and not just when something was wrong. If we prayed together good or bad circumstances. If we constantly evaluated each other as God's and not ours. We could've been phenomenal, and I don't say that lightly. I just think God got fed up with all the talk. He got fed up with waiting so to say, and I think that takes a lot for that to happen. The more I think about it though, there was more then just a lot.
I know you probably aren't even reading this because frankly I think you forgot the address and I hope you did in away. But if you are please consider everything I said and remember that all this happened while we were praying daily, reading daily, and all of that. But in doing that there was so much that we did miss that we should've had...and I don't mean together, I mean in our own lives as individuals. I pray that there will be a time where you can be completely comfortable with ALL of your family situations and know completely that God is in control and you can trust him wholly. I think that time will come and I feel, believe it or not, that I had to be removed for that to happen in both of our lives with the things he wants our attention for. He has such a plan for us but when we didn't utilize what he gave us for spiritual purposes he had to remove it because it got in the way. Hopefully it isn't through some wonderful other guy though cause I will kill him...only joking, sorry. Another thing I want you to know is I know I write like this to you a lot and beat myself up over these things but I truly am not beating myself up now. I look at this as a chance to learn, to reflect, and to pray and look to him because I know I have victory in some form. I may not understand how now, but I know that I can trust him enough to not care. Easier said then done but he always proves himself in my life and he always had, even when I was completely not walking with him.
Beth Joy I do love you and I do want the best for you. And the best is what God wants and I am no one to argue with that. I am but a man. That's whether I ignored that or not. I have to learn to want that for me and then to consistently act on that. I am not completely over you as I am writing this, I think I'm far from it. God has a lot of work to do with me and I'm game. I can only pray that maybe God would work things out. I miss you so much. Goodnight Beth Joy.
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Dear Beth Joy,
Hello Little Beth Joy. I hope this isn’t cheating. I miss you a lot. I really pray that everything works out to where I can feel like I can give you this letter. I was thinking about you all day today and for a while I was getting really depressed. I even locked my keys in my car, and got lost going to work and a bunch of things. I really am lost without you. I don’t mean that like completely lost and I know God will help me with it. He really did today I must say, last night too. I prayed that he would calm me and help me fall asleep and I really felt like I was being rocked in his arms. I really feel asleep quite quickly. I never felt that much comfort before. Then at work today I was getting all upset and thinking about you and of course King was telling me don’t worry about it she’s just a this and that, and you don’t need her and all of this. I really tried to tell him to stop but it wasn’t working I would start to speak and he’d cut me off or someone would come in or something. But anyhow, God really helped me today. I talked to Aunt Mary in the mourning and I cried to her about everything and then she had to go. However soon before I left work I started feeling normal (which I haven’t felt since Sunday) and I was able to go to Desiree and Mark’s without being all whatever. I talked to Aunt Mary again when I was there and she was glad to hear that I was doing better and she said she is so happy that I was calmed because she was praying that I would be. I love my God. I talked to you too and I really hope you got all out of it that I wanted you to get and I do LOVE you so much. That’s why I had to call you back. I really felt quite selfish actually after last night. I know I didn’t do it purposely and what not but I do feel quite selfish now. Also I felt like I might be interfering with what God wants you to be doing. That’s why I told you not to worry about me, because I want you to concentrate full heartedly on what God has for you. I may not think right now that this is what was supposed to happen but the more I think about it maybe I’m just mistaking what God is assuring me of in the future for what is in the present. I really think that even if this wasn’t meant to happen God wants to use it now anyway. I was kind of slapped in the face because I felt like God was saying if you love her, you want her, and you know I gave her to you; why aren’t you showing it? At first I didn’t understand that. Then when I thought about it I realized that if I didn’t tell you I understand that wouldn’t be showing you my love. Showing you my love is giving you what you need most and encouraging you to do what you think God wants you to do. And if God wants this or if you think he does…who am I to stand in the way no matter how I feel?
I am scared, I am nervous, but I do have my God. I know things will work out how he wants them too. I do admit it is hard for me to trust God with that as stupid as that sounds and that is one thing I guess I am going to have to deal with and get rid of. I do miss you Beth Joy.
I played pool tonight with Stefan and I beat him almost every game.
I think it was your picture that helped me though.
I took it out of the photo album and had it with me.
Hope that doesn’t freak you out. BETH
JOY I MISS YOU AND I LOVE YOU. I
will wait for you as long as I have too. I
promise you, I promise myself, and I promise God.
I hope you are doing okay, I wish I could talk to you now to find out.
I’m praying for you. I’m
going to go now and read my Bible. I
love you again, goodnight Little Beth Joy.
Hello Beth Joy. I missed a day. Well kind of cause I got home late and was tired. I had a really good day yesterday (Wednesday). Church was really good. I was really hoping it would be cause the whole day was kind of hard on my and I was just waiting for Church to come. It almost wasn’t a good night though. When I was getting ready to leave for church I went outside to get Chris L so we could leave and he was in his truck and when he got out his eyes were all red and he smelt really bad of weed. I got so mad at him. I started yelling, “What the heck are you doing you think I don’t have a freaking nose!” and stuff like that then I went back inside and saw Pete’s cigarettes. Yeah I failed you guessed it. I felt so bad though. It really irked me. It was like, you now how you hear testimonies of people who were on drugs and stuff and then they go and smoke and God doesn’t let them get high or drunk? Well I think it was worse for me because it did really calm me down. Then I was getting upset that over something like that I used a cigarette to calm me down when my God has been doing such a good job at comforting me in everything else. This is where I realized that I do still have a big problem with people ‘disrespecting’ me. I let that get to me too much. Heh, it’s kind of funny. So anyway church ended up being really good and just what I needed. I didn’t cry today. I do still love you and miss you so very much but God is really, really comforting me. What is so great about it is it’s all around. I started attacking myself about everything that I’ve ever done all over again and he just slapped me down and said, “Chris, it doesn’t matter, that was before and this is now…you are washed clean of that”. I’m washed clean of that. It sounds so good. I’ve known that for so long, and I have been doing great in letting that go…I’ve been able to talk about Gloria, I’ve been able to see babies, I’ve been able to talk about Brian more and I almost lost that over one more trial. I don’t want to lose that. Thankfully God just keeps on being right there when I need him. I’m just glad I’ve learned to turn to him first through all the other stuff. Freedom is so great.
So I played with Adam after church on the guitar and stuff and I’m going to for sure do the Youth Band thing. You know what too, no one gave me the slightest problem…well Adam almost did but God really just helped me ignore it. I had a lot of fun just doing that.
I talked to Jeanine tonight too. Something I never thought I would do. She really helped me a lot. She just encouraged me and she was just all around good. I really miss you so much. But we were talking and I was telling her that I have to genuinely get into my mind that if God doesn’t bring us back together I have to be okay with that. I know you probably don’t want to hear this. But I can’t honestly say at this point I am. This kind of made me think of Abraham and Isaac. God tested Abraham to see if he would be willing to give Isaac up and when God knew he would God didn’t take him. I don’t think that means God will test you and definitely never take it away. But I think that that is one thing God is definitely showing me that I need to get a hold on. I know with him, and his help, I will.
One thing that is weird about writing this letter that I’m thinking about right now is how that what I am writing isn’t really all now that you’re gone I am seeing, feeling, and doing this, this, and this. It’s more of a regret for not ever talking normally about this and that. You know it’s like I was saying when we first started seeing each other, or even thinking about seeing each other, we talked about this stuff a lot. We shared what God was doing and what we thought he wanted done. And we just shared a lot about God. I really wish we‘d have done that more. One thing I promise is that if we do get back together, or even if we don’t, we will do that more. We’ve wasted so much time when God wanted it to be spent on him, or on things of him. It’s like we really lost our focus, and I think it’s bigger then we even thought.
Remember all of that kissing and all getting out of hand and then feeling like crap and not talking to one another about it? Do you think that would’ve even happened if we kept on our walks and kept on our walk with god? NO, I guarantee it wouldn’t have. That was a result of God being removed from the picture. I really feel I owe you the deepest of apologies for allowing that to happen, even if it was both of our faults. I AM the MAN and I AM supposed to be leading you. I really have failed at that. I pray though that if God allows me I will do much better with you, or with whom he gives me. I really do love you so much and I really have done the worst of showing it. I know you may doubt that through all you and I know I have done. But love like we should have should be more of us keeping each other on our paths with God. Being that team for him, whether it’s standing up for our beliefs, or praying in our closets, or whatever it is he wants done…we should have been doing it. Whether or not that is why this is all happening should not matter. The fact that it happened when we were together is that part that is most upsetting.
So my phone wrong in church last night too. I just shut it off because it was in the middle of Pastor Tony’s word. Then I got a voicemail that sounded like you or Bonnie so I called your phone back. I was so scared it wasn’t you and then you would answer and I would be breaking the law. But it was Bonnie who answered and then she said she called. I asked her if she needed something and she said that you told her we broke up. I did a really good job then at being all right. I didn’t cry, I did get upset, but then I explained to her that God sometimes wants us to be alone so we aren’t distracted from concentrating on him. I think she understood. I wish I could’ve talked to you though because I asked Bonnie if she still wants me to call her and she said yes. I told her I would and that I would take her out for that wolf someday. So when I talk to you when you get back I hope you allow me that. I miss your family, oddly enough, even your Dad. You never really know just what you got until you don’t got it anymore.
So about today, even though I already wrote about two pages of yesterday. Pretty much the same thing. You know I’m not really all that bad about this whole break thing as I thought. I really am scared, yes. I really am hurt, yes. I really am worried, yes. But at the same time…I’m okay. I am realizing that even though I am not sure that God really did want this to happen I am 100% positive that he is going to use it for his glory. I am really doing really well with him these past couple days. I have been doing good with him in general, but I am really cleaving to him and I am loving that feeling and there is no reason why I should’ve not been doing it this whole time and that’s what I am learning through all of this. I love my God. Well sorry he is your God too. Don’t worry he’s there.
I went to the pool hall, again for the next day in a row since Monday night… I talked to Ed the owner again and his friend Arty is going to give me a couple hundred to do some computer file conversions for him. This is all good. As of right now I have all the money need for next months (May’s) car insurance down payment, and next week I’ll have all the money for this month’s bills. I don’t have to worry about a thing. Then my test for the Post Office is on April 16th and I am very excited about that. Hopefully God gives me the job. You should see the benefits and what not on this job. You get so much stuff. I mean hopefully I wouldn’t have to do it my whole life, and the second I started I would definitely look into either night college or saving for the Recording thing but if I never got to that for any reason this job would take care of me. That makes me really happy. God is just really taking care of me in everything right now, which makes me all the more comforted that he’ll take care of this situation with us.
Alright well this is subject jumping but I just emailed bonnie and I
really have to get to sleep it’s 2:27. I
will talk to you when you get back from your trip.
Goodbye and Goodnight not so my Little Beth Joy, I love you so dearly.
Hello Beth Joy. Tonight was really amazing at Youth Group. I thought it would be so bad. I was upset as you could guess again about you being, well, not here and I really was getting scared that you were going to be brought up the whole time I was at Youth Group and the reminder of you would kind of kill it. Anyway…Brian came in right away and said, “Were you really in the room when I said your girlfriend had nice legs?” I got so annoyed and I was like yes. I know he didn’t mean it like that though, like for sure. Then I heard him telling Laura about it because she asked him what he was talking about. Then Danae and Esco came, “Hi Chris! Where’s Beth?” Everyone came in one after another and asked sadly.
Anyway we played some dumb games today. We had a new one where you have to make groups of five, spread out around the room, then make a designated group animal noise, and find the rest of your group with eyes closed walking around the room. All you hear is just a constant scream it sounds like when all the noises get blended in together. It was very bothersome. I was like what am I doing here. Then we played a game where we had names of people and characters from T.V. and stuff on our back and we had to ask yes and no questions to find out whom we had. I had Big Bird from Sesame Street I told Chris L to cheat and tell me.
Well after that we read in the book of Jonah. We read about how God told Jonah to do something and he didn’t do it. Then we all were talking about how God tells us to do things everyday and do we do them. Also are we faithful to help each other like Jonah was asked to help the people of Nineveh? They are basically trying to prepare us for street and all types of witnessing and evangelism that we will be doing and what not. Basically they want us to have a strong base so when we do the skits and someone has a question we can answer it. So anyway. Justin asked us all to pray and he wanted everyone to pray out loud at least once. This way we can get comfortable and really experience how we are really there for one another in all things. Like Pastor Tony always says…if one member suffers, we all suffer.
So when it was my turn I prayed about what’s going on with me and you (don’t worry no one really heard what I was saying cause of my crying), then I thanked him for my real friends who are helping through all of my trials in the right way and pushing back towards him, and I also prayed that he would help me be a better example for him. Right before I finished praying though I asked God to heal my lungs and help me to be able to sing again without the pain. The weird thing was I wasn’t even planning on praying about that, it just came out. Then after Justin asked Anthony what he would say to me if I were a random person talking to him and I told him I just want my lungs to be healed. Anthony didn’t really say anything for a while then he said, “I guess I’d pray with him” Then Justin said so do it. So Anthony got up, then John, then slowly everyone and they all prayed for me and my chest really does feel really good right now.
Also something really good that happened tonight was Chris L accepted Christ. I am so glad for him. You know I haven’t been even a good example to him concerning Christ and yet when he saw us all pouring out for one another he did tell me, “That’s what I want to feel.” He didn’t tell me that before he did it. He did it completely on his own and from him telling me what he did and all after I know he was DEAD serious. I am so happy for him. I did apologize for everything and I told him I guess we are twins because I rededicated my life to Christ tonight too I guess you can say. I told him I am finding out more and more these last couple days that there have been things staring me in the face that I wasn’t changing cause I didn’t want to suck up and do it. From my hate of people to as much as standing up for what I believe in so many things pertaining to my friends, for not having that BACKBONE FOR CHRIST. I did tell him though not to beat himself up if he find himself stumbling over and over again on the same thing and to just trust God to pick him up and to try harder and harder each time not to do it. I told him it’s one of the hardest things someone can do in their life. That’s what I want to do. I also told him that if he ever needs anything or if he’s struggling with something he should come talk to me about it and I’ll help him out as best I can. Then we started to drive home and I pulled over to the side of the road and I said let’s toss our cigarettes…oh yeah by the way I bought a pack this morning (said that fast as to avoid detection) and we did. We chucked that stuff right out into the woods. Then when we got home he told me he wants to take his truck somewhere cause there’s stuff in there he has to get rid of. Turned out to be weed and beer. He tossed everything.
It just made me feel so good today. Though I messed up still since I’ve been ‘fixing’ myself with God I still feel great and I still am accomplishing things. That’s because I am staying steady in doing all of this. I have such a great joy that I can’t wait to share with you in anyway, whether it just be in friendship, or in a deeper love, hopefully in both (oh sugar plushy heartness all over that statement).
So anywho I know what I want to be like. I want and yearn to be that man of God that I see in Justin and others. I am glad to read my Bible and pray every night. I am glad knowing that all is in his hands. And for the first time I can genuinely say, I love you with all I am and I could never stress that more, but I would be able to trust God through whatever his will may be with us. Now I know that if and when you are ready to start seeing me again, I’m actually not sure if I will be ready. Not ready as in ready to love you again, or ready to not be afraid of being hurt again. I don’t know if I will be ready and able to show and practice the love I have for you the correct way. I promise that if I feel there are still some things that I know God will have me take care of first, I will concentrate on those first and foremost and work them out on his time not mine. This is because I love you and I want to give you what you deserve and what God would have you receive in a MAN, because I want children and I want to be able to raise them correctly and responsibly, and because I want to keep this feeling of being right and focused on him. Well I love you, I’m praying for you, but I’m going to go. Goodnight Little Beth Joy I love you more then words can describe.
Hey they Beth Joy. I did a bit today. I woke up and my lungs felt really, really good. I really wish you could see it. I could breathe in all the way without it really hurting me. It’s such a great feeling. I love it. I miss you so much.
So Chris L and I drove out to the Christian Book Store and bought some CD’s today. Wow, I bought a CD. Then we went to Best Buy to get some more. I decided I want some Christian music. I also broke some of my CD’s that I already had. I got rid of Glassjaw, Poison the Well, and some others. I also deleted some of my MP3’s. I just got rid of what ever I felt uncomfortable with having. I won’t miss them though, I don’t need that.
Mike Byrnes came over today and we went to his house and I watch some absolutely ridiculous movie on ABC Family about some girl who does this guys public relations for this restaurant he’s launching. It was so much like wedding planner it wasn’t funny. Just with planning the restaurants success. Anyway, I made Mike watch it with me and I wouldn’t leave. I knew you would have probably liked the movie and would have wanted me to watch it and of course I would put up a fight in doing that then end up liking the movie. I can’t believe I watched it though. I am such a psycho. I miss you entirely too much to actually go out and watch movies I know you would watch.
I really wish I could call you right now I feel so great and so much better then I have felt in a long, long time. Then at the same time I feel so, well I don’t know, that I can’t be sharing it with you. Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t feel alone anymore as in all by myself, I just feel as though I really miss be able to share things with you. No matter how small and meaningless. I really wish you could come over and watch a movie with me right now. That would make my week. That would make my day. Heck I’m starting to think that even right now it would make my life. I miss you, miss you, miss you. Wow, three m’s in a row. That was trying on my broken keyboard.
So I played my guitar and sang today and I did feel so much better. I was able to just play without playing along to anyone and not get bored of doing that. I just felt a lot better even in just holding my guitar. I did decide though that when I do play in a band, if I do, I really feel I should only join a Christian band. I really think that God really did change my mind on that. I think it would be a big mistake to do otherwise. I don’t think that all the songs have to be like super spiritually lyrical, but I do think that God wants to use my music if I make it. Whether it’s professionally or just for fun.
You know what Mike calls me now. God Boy. LoL. God Boy, that’s pretty funny. I’m glad though because I really was not doing half of what I should’ve been doing with witnessing to him through example and all that. I mean like when he’s talking to me about things that he does that he knows he shouldn’t or just different things I really did leave God out and tried to help him through without that. Don’t get me wrong, not all the times, but I didn’t put God in enough to make him see that God really is changing me. There is so much junk that I still had Beth Joy and I really am glad that I am actually getting rid of it right now.
That made me think of you a lot. I really am praying that God makes you stronger. That he gives you more of a thirst for him. I love you so much and I want you, just as I, to be able to just stand up and do/not do something for him. Like I was thinking that both of us no matter how much we talked about it we didn’t stop with either of our friends with the movies, the music, the talk, or even sometimes the attitudes. I sat here encouraging Mike with Stephanie and you and I did the same to Meghan about Rich. There are just so many things even besides those same things that we already discussed that we really need to both change. I pray that God is showing you that right now as he is showing me. It’s like God’s been showing me that maybe I shouldn’t be so hasty with you being ready to take me back and maybe I should wait until you are fully that woman of God just as I want to fully be that man of God. I know you can and would want to do that with or with out me. I don’t know a lot of it was I was just scared deep down about what Mike, Stephanie, Craig, or even sometimes you would say or do. I can’t do that anymore. Whether or not it really is a sin, or it really is wrong, the fact is it’s wrong to me and I need to change it in my life. I really need to love what is right and HATE what is not.
I don’t know but it’s almost 12 a.m. and I am going to go to read, pray, then sleep now. I love you very much my Little Beth Joy. I am praying for you to be broken, re-built, strong, inspired, and passionate for Jesus Christ just as much as I am finding myself to be. It’s just so weird. I feel so ready to ‘move out’ on the world. Hehe J Love and Heartness to my special girl.
Hello Beth Joy. Yesterday was good. We had practice for the youth band and it was really great. I think since I have opened up to letting God use me no matter what it is it went a lot better then usual. I’m so glad I did. That’s pretty much all that happened all day. I played with them then went home and did nothing till about 8 then I went to Desiree and Mark’s to sleep over so I could drive Mark to lacrosse practice at 8 am. Sports kill everything I still think.
Well God really worked with me today (4/5). You know how I really don’t like people? Well that is all really changing it’s so great. I was able to deal with so much today and I didn’t even care. It was pretty funny. I do feel so good. I was praying about you a lot today. I was thinking about you a lot too. But first the rest of my day.
I went out with Meghan to Dunkin Donuts in Riverhead. We had a good time talking and I told her a lot that has been going on and how God is working in me and all the stuff I haven’t been realizing and all a bunch of stuff. Anyway, she really has a good heart and I’m glad that I’ve been realizing and doing a lot that I have been because I really thinking us talking tonight helped her a lot. She really has her heart in the right place and I can see that she wants to please God and she’s just not sure ‘how to’. That’s what I told her you never really know. It was really confusing conversation but I basically told her we all have struggles and don’t let that stop you from drawing to Christ. Even if it’s the same problem over and over, God will work and deliver you on his time if you really are willing. It was just in general a really good talk and night.
So anyway back to me thinking about you a lot. I guess I feel like I need to tell you that I am really upset because the more I think about this the less I think I knew you for real. I mean I still am in love with you, and I still did know you. I mean to say that I don’t think it’s fair that you didn’t really open up to me. But then again I think about it and this is what you need to pay attention to. It was kind of good that you didn’t. Stupid as that sounds but what would I have done God asked me today. Really I probably would have told you something that I wouldn’t even apply myself. I think I did that in a lot of things so I wanted to say I am sorry. But he just showed me that we really did that to each other a lot and if this all works out I don’t want to let that happen again. I think it would take care of itself if we followed God though. Because if we were doing what we should’ve been with God then I know that he would have kept us close…it’s just the lack of that did the opposite.
Another thing I’m really praying about is that God touches you as much as he is working on me if not more (not that you need it more or anything). Just I hope when I talk to you, you have some really great things to tell me. If not I hope that all that’s been going on with me can help you in some way friends or in a relationship. I just have been getting the feeling that you really do need to give up a lot of stuff to God and that there is something spiritually bothering you. I hope that that’s being dealt with but if it’s not I just wanted you to know I am praying for you and that you can talk to me about anything. Maybe it’s not something spiritual or something I just really feel that something is bothering you and God just wants you to know you don’t have to blame, pain, or murder yourself over it. I know that you have been suicidal and all that though you haven’t really told me the whole thing and I am really praying that God is working on you with that. It burdens me so much that I didn’t help. I pray that I do better in the future if given the chance. Just know that I love you no matter how you feel, I love you no matter what, and so does Jesus Christ. He will always be waiting for you to stretch out your hand and let him in completely. You have to give him the blame, you have to give him the pain, you have to give him the feelings of defeat, you have to give him it all. I really do hope that this is all being brought up to you anyway. I just want you to start talking to me more about things and I promise I will live by what I tell you and I will tell you what I live by and know myself. I won’t be mad at you for anything, and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way.
Another thing that I feel that God wants me to tell you is that I never thought there was anything wrong with your head. Whether it be with your depression, your attitude, or even your eating and getting sick. I’m sorry for the jokes that I said that any of that. I just feel you should know they were only jokes. Also another thing is that I am really glad and am so thankful to Jesus that you started seeing this counselor and I think that God definitely put him there. I pray for that everyday. I really hope you get the most out of it. But at the same time I think there is some things that you need to talk to me about. I hope that didn’t come out wrong but I just feel like I need to know what’s bothering you too. Even if you have to force it out of you. I don’t want to hurt you or anything and I hope this doesn’t sound wrong. But I really feel as though I have been hurt when it could’ve been avoided a bit more. It’s like I never really got a reason. If you don’t think there is anything for real, or if you feel it really doesn’t matter, I can deal with that. I just think that we lost the most important part of our relationship next to God…conversation. It’s what brought us together, it’s what helped us to fall in love. You really helped me through so much and I want to do the same for you, even if it’s just listening when there is nothing I can do but pray. I just want to be able to really, really, know you Beth Joy. I pray that you don’t get upset over my just saying that. I just really feel that I should’ve said that long ago, along with getting us back to God long ago.
That’s something also that I really constantly pray about. That whatever happens God brings us both back to him. I really can’t stress enough how sorry I am that I wasn’t the man of God you and I both needed me to be. I’m sorry if you were short changed by feeling secure with me, even if you really did, because I feel as though I wasn’t protecting and helping you how I should be. I love you so much and I’ve really done the worst at showing it. I still love you Beth Joy. I really wish you could be here and I could hold you and tell you that. I really wish also that if I could do that you would be able to truly know. Because I don’t think that lately you really could’ve truly known that I do. My actions I hope have not spoken louder then my words in this regard. Though they should’ve, I hope you can forgive me for that.
I hope you don’t get mad or upset that I am apologizing so much for that it’s just that you deserve that. I also have to keep reminding myself (don’t worry I don’t mean beat me up reminding) of what happened so that I know how to avoid it in the future whether it’s with you or whoever God gives me. But I just think I also need to tell you that I am really scared that when you get back you won’t think you love me anymore. I don’t think I would come back thinking so. Not because of my job either, or anything like that. But because of the most important thing. My walk with Jesus Christ. So I’m just asking you that you just wait and think and try and fall in love with me again if you really don’t think you love me anymore. I know I changed a lot since when you probably fell in love with me, and you really thought you did love me still. Because even you didn’t really, or did, notice the change because of how gradual it was. But I am just asking that you look past that and see the new change. See that I am what I should’ve been. Don’t even say anything to me about it…just examine me in silent and see for yourself. I am going to do the same thing even if you are still in love with me before I give my heart any further. I do apologize for this paragraph but I don’t know I can’t control myself.
Alright though I don’t want to, I really think I should get to bed.
I am going to call you and leave a voice mail tonight with Matthew 7:7.
I really feel that you need to hear that, cause I know you know it,
it’s just I think you need to hear it. I
hope you don’t get mad or check it while you’re on vacation but I think I
should do it. Goodnight Little Beth
Joy. I love you deeper then the
very oceans.
Hello my Little Beth Joy. I thought about you a lot today. I really miss you so much. I miss your smile, I miss your hair, I miss your eyes, your cheeks, your sideburns. Like I really do miss them. Mostly I miss your hand in mine. I love you so much.
Today was alright, work was fine, then I went New Horizons again and returned that CD of Officer Negative. I bought the new Ace Troubleshooter with the money from the other CD then I bought the Supertones Strike Back CD. I really love that CD. Today nothing major happened. Just have been praying about everything with you. I am sorry I left that voicemail and I don’t know if you checked it or not it’s just I really felt that I should call and leave that. I mean it’s not like it was something you didn’t know, I just, I don’t know.
Anyway I want more CD’s. I really like to listen to Christian music. Not because it helps me not to get into a bad attitude or anything, but because I really love praising God now and I love to sing along or listen to something relaying that. Also like when I’m upset about everything with us instead of hearing “I wanna hate you so bad…but I can’t…” I think it’s more fitting and relatable if I listen to something telling me God is with me through this. Cause I certainly don’t want to hate you. I may want to choke you, but not hate you. I’m only joking. I really wish I could talk to you right now. I really, really do. Please be fair to me when you get back Beth Joy. Alright well I’m going to go to bed cause I have to leave work early tomorrow then I’m actually going to your house to help Meghan and Rich clean the barn. I love you dearly. Here’s a random old subway moment I thought of today before I go…
Remember I used to bring you Capri Sun’s and freeze
them?
Well who really cares anyway, I don’t even know if you
actually ate them. I know you
weren’t half as excited as I was. Goodnight,
Sleep Tight, My Love.
Hello Beth Joy. You are coming back tomorrow. I can admit I’m scared. Today and yesterday were good. Me and Meghan hung out last night and drove to Montauk Point. I wish you were there so much. Then today I worked and went to the Pool Hall with Mike. Nothing great really happened. I love God more and more everyday. But basically I’m going to dedicate this last writing with what I feel I got out of prayer today and what I drew out of this past week.
I love you so much. I believe I realized that even more knowing that you were gone. I don’t mean gone on vacation but I know gone as in not ‘mine’. It’s like you know when some one goes away for a week, you know that they will be back in, well, a week. This is so much scarier. I don’t know when you’ll be back. I must say though, as much as I didn’t see it or feel it…looking back I think God might’ve made this all happen. I don’t know if you were doing this because you felt God wanted you too, or if you just felt something else. But whatever the case it really doesn’t matter cause when it comes down to it God used it at least in me.
I realized I had, and have, so many things that I wasn’t allowing myself to recognize and/or fix. Not that I was backslidden but at the same time my walk was getting shakier and shakier. I wasn’t where I should’ve been with God, and I feel neither were you. That is what happened I believe when we get down to it. We lost sight even greater then I initially thought. I don’t know what God has for us in the future but I pray he does have as together as you know. I love you with all my heart but I think that might be the problem.
That may sound hard but I mean it as such. I think I love you so much but I let myself slip with God thus making me not able to show you appropriately so then the love turned stale so to say. Not that it weakened in my heart, it was just not being conveyed the right way because God was getting pushed back more and more in the equation. So far that I think eventually it wasn’t just with me and you and our relationship but my own relationship with God. That wasn’t a good thing.
What do I want most I thought to myself…I want to re-establish what I had in the beginning, the reason I believe God even brought us together. That’s another thing…God did bring us together, and I know that and he has shown it to me. It’s just what did we both do with that gift? I don’t think we threw it away but we made God’s timing have to be pushed back more. It’s confusing but I think that was God’s timing before to have us together, I just think he eventually didn’t have his hand on it anymore because he wanted our attention and he wasn’t completely getting it. Sure we did get convicted at times, and even stop things. We really did stop things. But I don’t think we stopped the small things, our personal things…and that was the problem. I didn’t ask God after awhile to make me thirst for his word, or for prayer, I didn’t ask him after awhile to help me with my anger, and after awhile…I wasn’t even asking him to help me show you I love you in his way. Instead of growing in him I think I just shrunk, and took this relationship with me. I think both of us did that, not that we dragged each other down but we stayed silent when each other were falling, or we didn’t talk or convey that we were falling ourselves and needed each other’s prayer or help. The combination of those two things turned out deadly because we lost not only the base for our relationship but we did lose the basis for the team too.
Without each other lifting one another up in God, and asking the other to do just that we weren’t a team. Sure we were a team in support when it came to school and some other things, but when it came to God…we weren’t that team we started out to be that God blessed us to be. I hope that is what you were talking about when you told me you thought I just wanted to get married and you weren’t sure if I wanted to be that team. I hope that is the team you were talking about and if not know now that that is what matters. It doesn’t matter how much money we make, what we are doing…sure those are pluses, but if we were that team and walked with God the way we should then that would all fall into place in it’s own way.
Basically I am saying thank you. Thank you for this break. Though I hate to say also but I think it is a good thing if we keep it going. I know you know I want it to end as soon as possible, and I do. It’s just that I realized what possible is. It isn’t until the end of the semester and we figure out what each other are doing. It’s till God’s time has it and if that is what you meant I really wish you would’ve conveyed that. But anyway it’s when we both give ourselves completely AND devotedly to him. We have to give him our problems, our angers, our fears, our heart aches and breaks, we have to give him everything and anything. That is when it will be his time to do what he wills and not what we will…maybe they will be the same, maybe not.
So for now I just want you to know that I love you and I would love you to be my wife and my best friend. But for now I can’t do that. By now I should’ve been even stronger then when we were in the beginning, as you should’ve been too, but we didn’t pursue that as we should’ve and we do have to start all over. I like to think of it as I am re-reborn. So as long as you know that I love you and I will wait as long as God wants me too I just pray you do the same. I don’t really think that you will hear me say I love you again till it is God’s time. I don’t think it’s wrong, because I know God gave me those feelings, they are natural. It’s just I don’t want to be stuck with having to deal with the fact that though I have them God doesn’t desire them for me in the long run and I don’t want to get hurt again. I have been hurt, but I just want you to know I have been blessed 100 fold the hurt.
This is one of those experiences that you never want to go through again but you are comforted all that was brought about from it. I’m praying for you Beth Joy so much. I am in tears when I think of all that is burdening you and I know God will give you victory. I know there is a lot that you didn’t tell me, and didn’t even hint me on. It’s just that so much stuff has been on my heart and I know you just need to ask him to clean it out. So give yourself completely to him and if you already started before you read this then I hope and pray that this is a confirmation or encouragement to keep going cause you know he will.
So goodnight Little Beth Joy, I love you more then there are stars in the sky.
Love,
Joey ( Chris )
Waiting
for a sign that never came
Waiting, pinching nerves to stay sane
Can't erase the time, forget the past
Knowing good times come and go so fast
Denise it's not all set back in time
Denise just lay it down and you'll find
You've changed
Nowhere girl, a cage you've come to know
Still wondering, "Where did they all go?"
Plan a recluse life down to the day
While you have chains to lose
And a whole world to gain
Denise, Denise it's time
Time to seize the world
Denise it's time
Denise it's not all set down in stone
Denise just lay it down and you're home
You've changed
Woke
up this morning
And I just had to thank God for my life
Just read through James' book
Start to pray and ask God for a wife
It's a time of devotion
As I sit and speak to my God unseen
Why should He listen?
Well I love Him and He's in love with me
Why me God? Why should You choose me?
On your team God, can You use even me?
I think a few years back
On a road that headed to nowhere
No that You found me
I can see that You were always there
So great a salvation
But to You my Jesus what am I worth?
It's quiet times like this
I feel I get a glimpse of Heaven right here on earth
Oh, hold me in your arms of love
Sometimes I swear I feel your heartbeat
I could never ever thank You enough
But here's my life for whatever it's worth
.:I Love You
Beth Joy:.